Recently my oldest son hit a phase we like to call the “Haters club”. He is solidly determined to dislike at least one thing about everything that anyone does, says, or offers. It seemed like every time he opened his mouth it was only to let out yet another complaint about the world around him.
The drink was too cold.
The carrot was too orange.
He hates this song (though it was his favorite last week).
At times it even seemed as if he was purposely arranging things just to have something to complain about. The final straw was when he asked me to get him a pair of socks, and then complained about every single pair I offered. This one was too stretchy, this not enough, he hates the S logo on the toe of these socks, these aren’t high enough, these tickle, on and on and on.
It was time to put a stop to it.
The first step was to find out why. An occasional complaint would be normal, but the constant stream of them meant something was off. Every time a complaint surfaced I immediately countered with a “Why” question. In between complaints we also had long talks about how he was feeling, was there anything bothering him, and what did he really want.
It turns out the fact that we were moving to a new town, away from his cousins and grandparents, had him rattled. Add to it a baby sister the needed a lot of attention and he felt out of control. Complaining about everything gave him back a feeling of control over the things in his life.
Once we had the reason pinpointed we could begin to work on it. The first thing I did was make a new family rule. If you complained about something, anything, you had to follow it with a compliment. No matter what it was you had to find something that you liked about it. I did this rule as a way to break the habit of constant complaining, and to hopefully help him not to focus on looking for the negatives of everything.
Once that was in place we made a special effort to give him back some of the control he felt he had lost. The new bedroom was too small for two bed, so he and his brother were moved to bunk beds. We let my oldest pick the beds that he wanted, within a certain price range. We also made an effort to let him talk with his cousins on the phone and scheduled time to visit on the weekends. Knowing that he still had a place in the family decisions and that we weren’t stripping him from everyone he knows helped to temper the complaints back down.
It can be difficult for young children to understand and communicate their feelings, especially negative ones. Often those feelings are expressed in seemingly unrelated ways. Getting to the heart of the matter, rather than simply trying to punish the child for an immediate change, is not always easy to do. But in the long run it can lead to a much healthier and happier family.
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